You say you feel slutty because you, at one point, were sleeping with 2 guys at the same time. Yet when it begins to happen again and I question whether you'll drop the 1 guy who obviously doesn't even deserve to be in your life, you say no.

You have no room to be mad if and when someone calls you a slut. You are being a slut right now. I wish you could see that all of this is ridiculous. I won't sit here and lecture you about having sex with someone you're not in a relationship with, but 2 guys?? Really now?


I had more respect for you than that.

I haven't written in here in awhile mainly because I there's been a lot that I've wanted to write about, but the words never seemed to work for me when I tried to write them down. The past few weeks have kinda been rough. Not horrible, but I've had better I guess. It started with the Bob situation. He was a great person to talk to, but when we got to hang out together he was far more aggressive than I was into. He seemed to be really into me, while I was just not feeling the same. I ended up telling him straight up that I wasn't really into him and that I thought of him as my good friend, but nothing more. He was hurt, according to Taylor, but I feel like it was for the best. We still text occasionally, sometimes when Im feeling down (as I have multiple times since then) I'll text him. I could see Bob being a really good friend. I hope it all pans out to be like that.

My mom, beginning last summer, has been telling me that she's unhappy being with my dad. I guess deep down I've always known this. They're really nothing alike, so it only makes sense. But then last week she called me and we were talking about it and she told me that she wanted a divorce. She wanted to not be living in the same house as him, hopefully by the end of February. While I really want my mom happy, she truly deserves it, I'm still kinda upset about it. I guess because it's just another marriage down the drain, another sign that maybe true love doesn't exist. Another hint to me that the love I've dreamed of finding my entire life, doesn't really exist in real life; only in fairy tales. I'm also just not looking forward to the aftermath of it all. Like when my parents separate and I decide to come home for a weekend, it'll be this huge war over where I stay at. I wouldn't, to be honest, want to stay with my dad. We don't really get along very well and it just wouldn't be a very fun place to be. I'd love to just stay with my mom, but I know that if I did that then my dad would turn it into this huge thing and make me feel guilty (which he is really good at doing). It would be easier if I just lived on my own, but I don't have the money to do that right now. I'm tempted, depending on when all of this goes down, to just stay at Matt's for a little bit. I wouldn't be able to afford to help pay rent or utilities, but maybe I could help chip in for food or something little. At least staying there for awhile until I can figured everything out; until everything calms down.

The whole situation with Jessie kind of made me lose faith in finding a good guy at eastern. I just feel like every guy wants one thing here, and that's to get some ass. I'm not like that nor will I ever be. I'm slightly embaressed that I even let myself get caught up in all of this. I mean, nothing horrible happened but instead of having my guard up I let myself believe that this boy, this really attractive boy, actually liked me for who I am. He liked my personality and my humor and all of that. Not that he thought I was at least semi-attractive and could be useful when he gets bored. I feel like a pawn. Slightly ashamed.

I went home last night to surprise my mom today because it was her birthday. Elliot came along so that he could see Greer since he really wasn't doing anything here anyways. On the way home today, for the entire little over 2 hour car ride, Elliot and I talked. We talked about school, next year housing, my parents divorcing, his parents divorce, him and Greer, what we want in our futures, paying for school, friends here. Just a bunch of stuff and I loved it. I don't think there was more than 10 minutes of silence the entire car ride, if even that. I love how comfortable I am around him. My hair is greasy, Im in sweats, I have no makeup on, yet I don't care because I know he doesn't care. It's car rides and times like these that makes it so hard for me to move on. Because I'll be on my way to moving on, and then he'll do something or say something. Like he genuinly cares about things and he remembers little details and it just makes me realize how great of a guy he is. He asked me about Ryan and while that's not uncommon, considering he's been there for me through all of this bullshit the past few months, it just makes me feel good. I don't really know how to explain it I guess. It's so easy to pretend that he's not dating Greer, but I have to keep reminding myself that he is or else I'll fall deeper for this boy. I feel ridiculous saying all of this, I mean I've never dated this boy before. I've never really had anything with him. Yet I've been stuck on him for months. And I don't know how to get unstuck.

Sometimes writing everything down helps me a lot. But right now, it just dredged up all these thoughts that I've been trying so hard to push down. Now Im just in a bad mood. Im in the type of mood where I just feel like being by myself and being depressed. Yet I know that's not a good plan because that won't help anything.

I don't want to go back. I want to stay and hang out with these people. I want to have more nights like tonight.